I'm Not at all in love
by FotoBridgeT2
Summary: Love cannot flourish without nurturing. This fiction is about Cameron figuring out her own feelings. Has vague mentions of House/Cameron and Chase/Cameron but it deals entirely with her feelings.


"Wilson. I'm serious—I am not in love with House. I never was. It was just a crush, something I knew would never work." Cameron followed the Oncologist down the hall, wanting to pick up the conversation they'd started earlier that evening. "In fact, I'm getting a little angry that no one believes me. Do you know how stupid I feel? How embarrassed that I ever thought like that?" 

"So what changed your mind?" Wilson stopped abruptly and the younger doctor bumped into his arm.

"The man pretended to have _cancer. _Do you know what that did to me? I lost my husband to cancer. It was a cruel trick. But I stopped having feelings for him long before that."

"When?"

"I can't pinpoint it exactly. He just takes so much energy to even be around. I don't want that. I don't think I ever did." Cameron could always be totally honest with Wilson.

"Is that the only reason?" Wilson knew something else was going on, her demeanor fairly shouted it. "Is it someone else? Someone with an accent maybe?"

"I don't know what you mean." Cameron looked away, clenched her arms over her chest. "I'm not in love with Chase."

"Are you sure about that?" Wilson pulled her into an empty exam room, wanting to explore this intriguing line of conversation.

"No. I'm not sure. He told me he wanted more, James. I don't know if I do."

"More? More what? Sex?"

"No. Sex wasn't the issue. There were no problems there. More emotional stuff. More traditional stuff."

"And you fear traditional, don't you." Wilson hopped on the examining table while she sunk onto the rolling stool. "Why?"

"Traditional doesn't work for me. Never has." Cameron admitted. "Why else would I go for some idiot like House for so long?"

"So Chase is different, huh?"

"You know what he's doing, now? Every since I told him I didn't want strings?" Cameron jumped up and began to pace the small room. "Every Tuesday for three weeks he's _casually _mentioning that he likes me and wants to have sex with me! What am I supposed to say to him?"

"What do you want to say to him? Do you want to have sex with him?" Wilson had to admit, Cameron was just as interesting as House in her own way. Between the two of them he was never bored.

"Of course I do. That's never been the issue. But I can't hurt him, James, I just can't. Why can't he just leave things alone? I've ended it, why can't he just accept that?"

"Do you have feelings for the guy?"

"I think so." Cameron stopped pacing and looked at him. Wilson winced at the tears in her eyes. "I hurt him tonight. I accused him of interfering with Foreman just to be cruel. He asked me if I really thought that he was capable of such a thing."

"Did he do it?" Wilson had to admit he'd thought about the Australian being the culprit.

"No. He swears he didn't. I feel awful. But he's right. I don't think he could have done something like that—but I think I could." 

"That bothers you?"

"Yes. I don't like who I've become in the last two and a half years. I've lied, broken in to people's houses, taken a patient's meth and slept with a co-worker, blackmailed my boss into a date, tricked my boss into giving a blood sample by _kissing _him, hurt Chase, slept with him several times here at the hospital. I hate that I could do those things."

"Honey, I don't think Chase thinks any less of you for doing those things."

"But I think less of myself." Cameron finally figured out the heart of the matter.

"And if you don't like yourself how can Chase? Is that what you're getting at, Allison?"

"I don't know, maybe." 

"Keep in mind—this job has affected Chase in ways I doubt he could imagine as well. Wasn't he the one who kissed a nine year old?"

"Yes, but I understand why he did that."

"So what are you getting at?" Wilson demanded of her. "That you are afraid?"

"I'm terrified. I thought I loved my husband, I really did. But what if I didn't. What if House is right and I really am damaged?"

"That's for you to figure out. But everyone is damaged, each in their own way. But you can't keep backing away from things. If you do—you'll end up like a misanthropic hermit sitting at home watching your pet rat run on a wheel. Give Chase a chance. What can happen?"

"That's exactly what I'm afraid of finding out." Allison let him lead her from the room, sighing in trepidation when they came face to face with a misanthrope sitting outside the exam room door.

"Wilson! Does Cuddy know you're seeing another woman? Such a younger woman too."

"Go to hell, House." Cameron said wearily. "Oh, wait. We're already there, never mind."

She stormed off, clenching her arms around her chest. House and Wilson watched her march off before House made his usual snarky comment. "You know, she really loves me."

Wilson waited a moment, pondering what he'd just learned. "No. House. This time you're wrong. She doesn't love you at all."

He turned and stormed off in the opposite direction of the immunologist, leaving the misanthrope standing in the aisle way, holding his cane and wondering just what was going on with the idiots around him.


End file.
